Some days I just don't know what else I can possibly do to screw something else up. Seems like I am always doing something to tick someone off. Even if I am honest, someone is there to knock me down. Other days, I happen to knock myself down. I have been finding myself to be more depressed more often and over the minor things. I hate this feeling. It's not something that a person can tell you "chin up" or even an "I'm here if you need to talk". It's not about needing or wanting to talk or even cheering up; I can't explain it other than sadness and anger all the time without cause most days. I am so unhappy with myself that I pretty much given up. All I want to do is cry some days but I don't even have the strength to create the tears.
I know that I have gained weight, but I lack the willpower to even call my doctor to make an appointment in fear that I will be reprimanded in not paying a past due bill and/or not completing or keeping with a medication regimen. I feel as if it's all wrong.
I feel as if I am never heard and you know, it's by the people that need to hear what I have to say. When they are ready to hear me out, I can't find the words to speak in fear of retaliation. I am simply afraid. I wish life were simpler and less complicated like it used to be. Like the times when I had a job that was worth the time and my bills were taken care of. Back when I had my mom (my rock), back when I had nothing to fear. I have just given up trying to take care of anything anymore. On that note, I have even given up hope for a family and a home of my own. All I want to do now is hide and never emerge until I am good and ready to face the bright sun with one hand covering the glare as if I crawled from the ground after a year of darkness.
Wish me luck... I am sure, in the hell, going to need it!
